He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
