You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
