he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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