Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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