We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
