We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
