there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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