he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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