the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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