: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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