oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
