Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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