I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
