1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
