Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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