I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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