I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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