Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
