I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
