Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
