Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need a beard to bite.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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