Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
