Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
