Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
