ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
