my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
