It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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