I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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