Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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