apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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