I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
