Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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