Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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