I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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