every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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