I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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