Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
