I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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