It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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