Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
