I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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