All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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