I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
