I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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