So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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