can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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