Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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