Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
