Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
