Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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