Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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