how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
