dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
