Ketchup is God's man juice
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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