New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
